Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion does not dick about. You start off in prison. You life gets worse from there.Sometimes you can escape it. Sometimes, sure, you feel like an innocent child, plucking flowers as you leap gayly through the air - but then the realisation hits you. It always does. The realisation that everthying hates you, that nature hates you. Bears, wolves, even the crabs want to rub their salty gonads on your shin. So you reap revenge: any camp you stroll by you should slaughter them. That wasn't a suggestion, Oblivion will force you to. Women? Children? Tear them up (although in a brief moment of compassion by Oblivion, the latter do not exist). These people are blissfully unaware of you...until you tear into their almost empty world, a hurricane of hammers the size of a whales face and fireball to cook the unfortunate remains. you still simply glaze across their soulless mush with the same emotion as if looking at a bookcase. You take what little they owned. Oblivion does not dick about.
A side-effect of the almost full-scale virtual replica of Earth is that it is immersive and daunting (quick math for someone oblivious to the world of Oblivion: you can spend 3 hours on a dungeon you don't have to find. There are hundreds of them). This is a brief guide to help you through the trauma of being born in the prison of a world of monsters.
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Rule 1.) Heavy Armour Is Not Better. It's Just Heavier
How much you can hold, or in Oblivionese 'Encumbrance' (and English actually), quickly becomes one of the most important aspects of the game, as you have to make countless run back and forth from merchants to clean out just one dungeon.
Despite the cliché, the heavier armour is not stronger: it just means you can't hold as much other stuff compared to light armour wearers.
There is literally no positive to heavy armour, the only difference (aside from weight, as previously mentioned) is that sometimes... they're different: the extra-curricular abilities of say, fire resistance even to walking on water; but usually light armour is easier to get and better to wear.
How much you can hold, or in Oblivionese 'Encumbrance' (and English actually), quickly becomes one of the most important aspects of the game, as you have to make countless run back and forth from merchants to clean out just one dungeon.
Despite the cliché, the heavier armour is not stronger: it just means you can't hold as much other stuff compared to light armour wearers.
There is literally no positive to heavy armour, the only difference (aside from weight, as previously mentioned) is that sometimes... they're different: the extra-curricular abilities of say, fire resistance even to walking on water; but usually light armour is easier to get and better to wear.
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| Talking armour say the funniest things. |
Rule 2.) When Choosing Your Starsign, Do Not Be An AtronachFun fact: No other game is changed so much just because of your birthday (probably).
Even if you don't think you'll be using magic, the likelihood is that you will. It is incredibly useful and being an atronach reduces your ability to use it from an infinite amount of spells (due to it recharging) to about 3 or 5, at which you'll hope the enemy will die from laughter at your pathetic attempt at killing them.
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| Although the evilly-inclined do enjoy a good evil laugh |
Rule 3.) Stolen Goods Are No Good(s)You cannot sell stolen goods. This may sound a like a simple rule but trust me, after an hour of careful stealing, the occasional getting caught and having to load the game again, it can be soul-crushing if the reward is absolutely nothing. Another tip about trading is that you start off selling goods well below their worth.
Rule 4.) Vampires Are Not CoolAs soon as you learn it's possible, you want to become one. It sounds like there is no negative and even when you've became one for the first day and all your stats have increased you reckon you'll never regret it. But then the nightmares start. I shit you not; you start having nightmares. Albeit they aren't visual, it is just a paragraph of text when you wake up but still, it's an appropriate and clichéd sign being a vampire is not all angsty romance and sparkles (as Oblivion vampires are neither).
You wait until 12 at night outside the house of your victim. You pick the lock and sneak in intending to fuel your habit so you won't be burnt alive during the day (this actually happens, too). It's annoying because you were trying to do a quest when you waited outside a camp and woke up to being burnt alive. So now you've snuck into your victim’s house and.... they're just sitting there. What the fuck?! To feed off them you need them to be asleep. They notice you creeping around like some retarded cannibal with moral issues and the guards come. You manage to escape with the amount of health which makes marshmallows seem dangerous. You spend 30 minutes tentatively stepping over to the next city as the Sun rises eagerly to catch you out. You quickly enter a nearby house and thank your lucky stars you made it. You wait around until it's night-time again, and another nightmare indicates your ailment is progressively worse. They ask you to leave and you wait again until it's 3 am and there is absolutely no sane way they could be awake. You picklock it and you're right: you take a harmless bite. You're free. Now you can do the quest. In 3 days it'll happen all again.
And there you go, if you follow these rules (and even if you don't) you'll have a terrific little frolic through the blissful world of Cyrodiil and occasionally hell. But just remember:
"You cannot wait while in the air." - Oblivion
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"Whoa man, that was deep." |
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