If Bayonetta was a teaparty.

THIS IS OBLIVION!

Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion does not dick about. You start off in prison. You life gets worse from there.Sometimes you can escape it. Sometimes, sure, you feel like an innocent child, plucking flowers as you leap gayly through the air - but then the realisation hits you. It always does. The realisation that everthying hates you, that nature hates you. Bears, wolves, even the crabs want to rub their salty gonads on your shin. So you reap revenge: any camp you stroll by you should slaughter them. That wasn't a suggestion, Oblivion will force you to. Women? Children? Tear them up (although in a brief moment of compassion by Oblivion, the latter do not exist). These people are blissfully unaware of you...until you tear into their almost empty world, a hurricane of hammers the size of a whales face and fireball to cook the unfortunate remains. you still simply glaze across their soulless mush with the same emotion as if looking at a bookcase. You take what little they owned. Oblivion does not dick about.

A side-effect of the almost full-scale virtual replica of Earth is that it is immersive and daunting (quick math for someone oblivious to the world of Oblivion: you can spend 3 hours on a dungeon you don't have to find. There are hundreds of them). This is a brief guide to help you through the trauma of being born in the prison of a world of monsters.

Welcome to Oblivion! A world where there are no children and you will never love.

Welcome to Oblivion! A world where there are no children and you will never love.

Rule 1.) Heavy Armour Is Not Better. It's Just Heavier
How much you can hold, or in Oblivionese 'Encumbrance' (and English actually), quickly becomes one of the most important aspects of the game, as you have to make countless run back and forth from merchants to clean out just one dungeon.
Despite the cliché, the heavier armour is not stronger: it just means you can't hold as much other stuff compared to light armour wearers.
There is literally no positive to heavy armour, the only difference (aside from weight, as previously mentioned) is that sometimes... they're different: the extra-curricular abilities of say, fire resistance even to walking on water; but usually light armour is easier to get and better to wear.

Talking armour say the funniest things.

Rule 2.) When Choosing Your Starsign, Do Not Be An AtronachFun fact: No other game is changed so much just because of your birthday (probably).

Even if you don't think you'll be using magic, the likelihood is that you will. It is incredibly useful and being an atronach reduces your ability to use it from an infinite amount of spells (due to it recharging) to about 3 or 5, at which you'll hope the enemy will die from laughter at your pathetic attempt at killing them.

Although the evilly-inclined do enjoy a good evil laugh

Rule 3.) Stolen Goods Are No Good(s)You cannot sell stolen goods. This may sound a like a simple rule but trust me, after an hour of careful stealing, the occasional getting caught and having to load the game again, it can be soul-crushing if the reward is absolutely nothing. Another tip about trading is that you start off selling goods well below their worth.

Rule 4.) Vampires Are Not CoolAs soon as you learn it's possible, you want to become one. It sounds like there is no negative and even when you've became one for the first day and all your stats have increased you reckon you'll never regret it. But then the nightmares start. I shit you not; you start having nightmares. Albeit they aren't visual, it is just a paragraph of text when you wake up but still, it's an appropriate and clichéd sign being a vampire is not all angsty romance and sparkles (as Oblivion vampires are neither).

You wait until 12 at night outside the house of your victim. You pick the lock and sneak in intending to fuel your habit so you won't be burnt alive during the day (this actually happens, too). It's annoying because you were trying to do a quest when you waited outside a camp and woke up to being burnt alive. So now you've snuck into your victim’s house and.... they're just sitting there. What the fuck?! To feed off them you need them to be asleep. They notice you creeping around like some retarded cannibal with moral issues and the guards come. You manage to escape with the amount of health which makes marshmallows seem dangerous. You spend 30 minutes tentatively stepping over to the next city as the Sun rises eagerly to catch you out. You quickly enter a nearby house and thank your lucky stars you made it. You wait around until it's night-time again, and another nightmare indicates your ailment is progressively worse. They ask you to leave and you wait again until it's 3 am and there is absolutely no sane way they could be awake. You picklock it and you're right: you take a harmless bite. You're free. Now you can do the quest. In 3 days it'll happen all again.

And there you go, if you follow these rules (and even if you don't) you'll have a terrific little frolic through the blissful world of Cyrodiil and occasionally hell. But just remember:

"You cannot wait while in the air." - Oblivion

"Whoa man, that was deep."

Flog: Apparently This Is What He Was Cooking

Let me introduce you to the highly developed world of ‘The Scorpion King’; some guy is sent to kill some girl but is double-crossed by someone. The Rock kills everyone and their mother. There has been more suspense in a fart.
This leaves you no room to compliment its plot. But, maybe you could squeeze one in about the acting? Forget it. If anything this film is meant to make you feel pity; pity for the mother of the director that had the impossible task of approving of it in some way.

"Well uh, the- the sand looks... authentic...?

Yes, this is a bad film. The first step is admitting it, the next step is taking the piss out of its ridiculousness which, it turns out, lasts for the entirety of the film.
Ridiculous it may be, but it’s also ridiculously manly: so much so they needed to hire a trained wrestler as the main character and right from the beginning the film promises you something, not literally but it is indeed intended: “I solemnly declare that I, ‘The Scorpion King’ will not show a scene if it does not have boobies and/or muscles wiggling around.”
Of course this philosophy will not drive an Oscar winning picture; in fact it motivates countless flaws and clichés and makes it seem more like an extended introduction theme for The Rock. And although the film fails in more ways than the average bad film (you could call it fail-diversity) it does succeed as an effective ‘how to’ stunt guide and although it desperately tries to cover itself in props and accents and pretend to be a film, the most sophisticated thought you can take away from it is: ‘she were good, that naked Asian bird.’

Flog: You Can't Teach A Crazy Alien Dog New Tricks

There are very few titles vaguer than 'The Thing', but after watching it you feel like it accurately describes what the film is about. This no nonsense approach is immediately apparent in the topic the film tackles, and by the frozen hairs of MacReady's chinny chin chin does this film tackle it. Within the first ten minutes a fleshy tentacle beast with multiple dog heads is writhing about like an epileptic Siamese dog (which was the film's working title) as it ejaculates alien goo everywhere.
That's not to say it's unsubtle or shallow, of course it's not: the opening sequence is almost a part of the film given the seemingly seamless way it puts the audience into the situation, and the intricate maze of misdirection and bluffs as the researchers look at each other as monsters, it feels authentic. And although you don't feel as close to the characters as their beards, it only adds to the sense of alienation and accusation that the film does so well.



The audience in The Situation of Jersey Shore fame. If the audience wore disney hats.



Everything in this film is above average (especially monster/body horrors); the story, the atmosphere, the script, the special effects, the acting and sweet mother of cup holders does it have some striking visuals.
Anyone watching this movie cannot deny it is a landmark in horror first and sci-fi second, and therefore is deformed head and tentacles above the rest, with perhaps only 'Aliens' as it's competition, although 'The Thing' has the moral high-ground considering it isn't a franchise allow there is a worrying prequel creeping upon us).
In conclusion this frozen sausage fest starts brilliantly and ends brilliantlier, its sophistication and genuinely frightening horror entwines perfectly to form one of the most satisfying horrors and one of the most satisfying sci-fi’s of all time.

89% awesome - If you didn't like it, you should have.

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Did you know a snail can have 25,000 teeth? But they usually give up after 6.